rant

Dear creators of mX magazine,

I know your publication well, despite the fact that, until last Friday, I had never actually been handed a copy. Every train I've been on in the last year seems to have been littered with old, flicked-through, folded-up and stomped-on copies; apparently your two size-12 "Please Recycle" suggestions printed unobtrusively on the first and second pages aren't doing the job properly! What a surprise!

But that’s okay; your informative blend of celebrity gossip ("OMG Eminem pays trainer lots of money to get hot abs!!!1!") and lifestyle trends ("Live with your parents until you’re 35! It's easier that way!!1!" No, really! It said that! Well...okay, not really, but it's all about fully-grown adults living with mum and dad and quite frankly the last thing they need is encouragement) keeps me entertained at least until the train pulls out of the station, and more than makes up for your shocking disregard for the environment! Also HILARIOUS is your "What In The Weird" section, which pokes fun at current events in countries other than Australia! Hahaha! Those crazy foreigners!

But your letters page? Let's not go encouraging Sydneysiders to become even more selfish and mean-spirited than so many already are, shall we? Publishing what people are idiotic enough to text-message in to you while they’re crammed on a train early in the morning does not make for thought-out, rational discussion. And good Lord, find something more interesting to print than bitching about the person on the train who's wearing too much/not enough deodorant, or what a bloody disgrace the current Cityrail timetable is (no shit, Sherlock). WE GET IT. People on trains stink. But people stink everywhere. You stink. I stink. Sometimes stinky people have to wait longer than they should for trains, and they stink the platform up, and sometimes they eat cabbage and onions in confined spaces and you're right, school children do talk too loudly and show insufficient respect for their elders. Oh yes, and we pay too many taxes, and what is it with the crazy weather we've been having anyway?

The winner, however, is Cyril, from Minto, who asks “Does anyone know when homosexuals hijacked the rainbow? It seems everything associated with being gay has a rainbow stuck on it.” Cyril, from Minto, quite clearly puts Jerry Seinfeld to shame with his razor-sharp wit and powers of observation. What's next, Cyril? A text message about when sometimes you go to a nice restaurant, and they put the check in a little book? What is this? The story of the bill? What's that about? (Joke shamelessly stolen from No Rock&Roll Fun)

Jebus. Don’t even get me started on the text messages that talk about Muslims and flag burning.

But back to the point of my letter. On Friday, I was at Central Station, and positioned around all the major entrances, jostling for a spot amongst the Big Issue sellers and the Pepsi Max bikini girls, were large hunky men and not-unattractive women, trying to shove a copy of your fine publication into every set of unwilling hands that passed their way. I think I may have been offered a copy about seven times (my friend was running a little late), and yet STILL MORE of your newspapers were being unloaded from trucks and trolleys (this was at around 3.30, by the way, hardly peak traffic time), forming towers of the kind that loom menacingly and crush old people in their spare rooms while they're doing the vacuuming and who are only found after the neighbours notice the mail hasn't been collected for a couple of months. NOT THAT MANY PEOPLE IN SYDNEY WILL WANT TO READ YOUR STUPID NEWSPAPER, YOU DICKHEADS. I shudder to think what you do with the copies that people aren't stupid enough to take, although when I'm in the city on a Friday afternoon I manage to see dozens of copies drifting around the streets like small, particularly stupid ghosts. It's nice to know that all your hard work and research isn’t being wasted, isn't it?

In conclusion, your "people" get in my way when I'm trying to go places, your content is vapid and poorly thought-out, your letters section appears to do nothing except foster illwill amongst the general public, and in terms of environmental friendliness you're on a par with Agent Orange (not really). I would have texted this in to you, but I found it hard to contain myself to only 160 characters.

Please go away soon and encourage people to buy a book instead,
Scott

PS. That picture of Girls Aloud you put in your Friday edition was very nice. Keep up the good work.