My heart has been giving me grief. And when I say "my heart" I don't mean it in some bullshit metaphorical way, I mean my actual heart.

One of the questions on an anxiety scale we use a fair bit at the clinic goes "I was aware of the action of my heart in the absence of physical exertion (eg, sense of heart rate increase, heart missing a beat)." This is TOTALLY me at the moment, y'all. The only trouble is, I don't think I'm particularly anxious at the moment.

I was at the pool last week, flailing my way through my laps (the thought of stripping down to my Speedos fills me with dread and terror normally, but I go to the nearby indoor pool which seems to be used only by hairy people, old people and hairy old people. Most of whom can swim further than me). In the soothing floatiness of the water I was alright, but the second I hauled myself out of the pool, all I was aware of was my heart jackhammering around my ribcage and the sudden dizziness that ensued. I'd like to think I know enough about Panic Disorder to not completely freak out about the whole thing, but it was still a bit frightening. I haven't felt that way since the 21st birthday party where I had to make a speech and my blood was pumping around my body with such pressure that an old shaving cut opened up again and I started bleeding from the neck while I was speaking.

Not too long ago, a friend asked me about Rob and whether he made my heart go all aflutter whenever I saw him. In fact, Rob usually managed to settle me down, and make me feel that everything was alright in the world (no mean feat at times).

Maybe my heart's just missing him.